Jesus the Bridegroom, King, Judge

Yeshua has been opening my eyes in the place of prayer - He is showing me a greater depth of who He is. The longer I walk with Jesus the more I begin to see my blindness, how little I truly "know" my Shepherd.

What I own and know deep inside me is that His love is better than life. This truth the Holy Spirit sunk into my heart the summer I went to Nepal as a 14 year old. The daily worship times we had on the rooftop of our geusthouse were furnaces of encounter with the love of the Father. I remember those evenings under the starry Nepali sky, singing over the city and feelings God's manifest presence so intensly I felt like my heart would explode. I knew He loved me, and this truth sunk deep into the core of my being. This love trumped anything else this life had to offer, and solidified the faith I was raised in. It set me on the path I'm on today by God's grace.

Since then however life's trials and seasons of pain left me with nagging questions about God. I "knew" deep unto deep that His love was better than life, and this truth bound me to Him - but I didnt understand why He allowed difficulty and pain - after all He had won my heart with the sweetness of His presence and the glory of His beauty in Nepal. In college while training for missions I spent 16 months in Cambodia. The poverty, idol worship, human trafficking and spiritual oppression I faced there every day crushed my heart. It opened up deep seated questions about God's goodness, nearness, and justice. I was still with Jesus when I fly back stateside, but I didnt know how to settle the questions that pain had risen. Where was God to answer the pain of this present darkness across the earth?

Since then God's taken me on a journey of seeing a whole new "face" of Jesus. I have been introduced to a Bridegroom, a Judge, and a coming King. When I was in Cambodia the only "heart-truth" I had to offer the people was "Jesus is beautiful, worthy of your worship, and His love is better than life." That message was flowing out of me because it was deep inside me. Now I have a new truth flowing within - God's introduced Himself to me as the jealous Husband, the just Judge, and the coming King!

Since Cambodia, I began to study endtimes and the hope of Jesus' soon second coming, and I realized this King is coming back to restore! Every day when I faced atrocities in Cambodia the devil whispered that God was far off and negligent. I say no! He is not far off, and has not turned a blind eye or deafened his ears! He is near! I realized the reason why the earth remains unjust and people are still doing horrible things to each other is because of the mercy of God - He is giving them time to repent! I do not confuse His patience with His approval or assume He is negligent! The cross alone states that God draws near. The second coming declares that there is a day set to bring an appointed end to darkness and destroy the works of evil.

The devils accusations against God in Cambodia also filtered into my interpretation of personal trials. But I say no! God is not untrue or lacking in goodness because I experience pain. I have learned to bring my pain to God and talk to Him about it instead of running from Him in offense or assuming He's abandoned me. I see the fiery trials in my own life through the light of a Bridegroom pursuing me. He doesnt just want a casual fling with me, He wants a committed Bride with wholehearted love. He will stop at nothing to have me, and share me with no other. He is using the least severe means to remove everything that hinders love. He allows trial to hedge me into Him, mature me, and purify me.

When I see Jesus as the jealous Bridegroom I realize He is also a just judge. The dignity through which He gazes at me fills me with the fear of the Lord and a hatred for sin.

I see each pain in my life as a doorway for His presence. He hates pain but He will use it if I allow Him to. Since these revelations dawned on me, I began to look back and "see" Jesus through each season of my life. Now I see His presence, a terrifying lion chasing me down; He was hunting me with fire in His eyes. I see Him rendering my heart crushed in His hands to sift out all the dross and pull forth the gold. I see Him leading me to Cambodia so I'd see the hopelessness in the present age, and cause me to yearn for His soon appearing. I see Him leading me into lonliness and disappointment in humans to raise my eyes to His face and trust Him to fill my heart. I see Him pushing me through the gauntlet of spiritual warfare so every unhealed part of my heart would be exposed and named, laid before the cross, and healed. I see Him leading me through darkness that I'd see Him as my light. I see Him jealously desiring me day after day and loving me relentlessly. I see Him leading me to the end of my self reliance so I'd realize I was only designed to trust Him and walk knit into Him. He is a jealous God!

Amidst the trials I see threads of goodness woven through and I stand in awe of His patience and preservation while He led me to repentance. Truly our God is an all consuming fire - merciful and just.

When we dont really know what God is like, we will cling to one of His attributes and accuse Him when our experiences dont seem to line up. However, God is who He always has been and always will be - unchanging, and unfashioned by human thought. He is higher than our experiences. If we are offended by our pain or the pain around Him than we are probably not bringing our pain to Him and allowing Him to interpret and heal it - and reveal who He is in the midst of that darkness. God is true to who He is all the time, He never suspends one facet of Himself to extend another - He is merciful, kind, good, and sweet - but also He is the fiery judge and jealous bridegroom. I am grateful to begin to "see" Him more clearly!

Nepal - one year ago!

It was but a year ago I was just finishing up my "Servant Team" - 4 months in the beloved nation of Nepal. (a tiny country nestled between India and China, surrounded by the beautiful Himalyan mt.s)

I climed up to the top of the world and witnessed the beauty of God from the roof of the earth. I stood on rooftops in the Katmandu valley and read Revelation alloud, prophecying the soon return of King Jesus.

I wore out my shoes trekking, and lived with the poor, learning the ways of simplicty by entering into their needs....
I volunteered at a government run orphanage for abandoned children, spending time in one of the baby rooms. Mostly I just held little boys and girls, cradling them and praying scripture over them...

I had my heart wretched and broken a thousand times holding these precious little ones....

Each little face is permanently etched on my memory... and it was these experiences that God used to inspire a future commitment to adopt.

The Lord also used my time at the orphanage to reveal HIS heart to me on a deeper level as well. I found myself pondering Jesus, the express image of the Father. Jesus did not leave us as orphans, but came to us through the cross. He did everything to reconcile us into the Father's love and adopt us into Sonship. He transferred us out of the dominion of darkness and into His kingdom of light, redeeming us and forgiving us of our sins. In that way, I see myself in the orphan - I was once lost and apart from the Father and Christ has redeemed me so I can be adopted into His love.

I pray for the spirit of adoption and Sonship to be revealed in and through my heart more and more!

The Cross

I have been meditating on the cross. Isaiah 53 describes that He took not only the just penalty for my sins, but He also "born my griefs and carried my sorrows." Yes He took even the sins committed against me, all my pain. He was crushed, He was wounded, He bore stripes, that upon my entering into Him I may be healed. He has cast down and disarmed all principalities by the cross, and overcome death, sin, and satan. He went down into Hades and snatched the keys to my soul from the enemy forever! He fulfilled the covenant on my behalf, He gave His own life and shed His own blood to fulfill the covenant I broke. He broke down every dividing wall of hostility in His own flesh, to reconcile me unto God, to wash me and bring me into union with Him as His pure spotless Bride.

In His own frame, He bore all my sin, sorrows, and death. He chose it. The more I meditate on what He has done at the cross, the quicker I am to yield every barrier in my heart to His love, unto the cross, that I may be brought into wholehearted agreement with Him. I pray daily for the Holy Spirit to cause me to love Jesus with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, forever....

He desires me, He pursued me unto death. He wants me and will stop at nothing that we may be unified. Truly, Jesus LOVES me. I believe and receive His love!!!!

He is a real person, the God-Man forever. A man I will meet face to face, gaze into His eyes, and with all the church, we will be united to Him forever as His beloved wife. We will dwell in the home He's prepared for us, the new Jerusalem, in His kingdom when He brings heaven to earth in the next age.... O hasten the day!

from my fav coffeeshop in KC....

Wow..... long time no update peeps! Sorry about that.....

This spring has been one of the most wonderful seasons of my life. In summary, I have loved KC and fallen deeper and deeper in love with Jesus, more than ever before.

After an extended fast/silence the Lord opened the eyes of my heart and I had an encounter with Jesus one night in February, that changed me forever. I saw Jesus, the Bridegroom. God told me that before that I had only known Him as Father - His caring nurturing love that grew me up and called me forth, but I had never known the love of Jesus, the Lover, Pursuer, and the one who is coming back for His bride. When I saw Him, we looked one another in the eyes, and then I realized I had never understood love. No human relation can compare to what I saw in His face and eyes, the burning fire. I saw who I was in His eyes, I was a gem in His hands, one who was always kept, one wholly His. I saw His jealousy over my life and that He always protected me even in darkness and trial. I knew His blood had truly washed me and there was no veil of shame between us - I looked Him straight in the eyes. No words seem enough, no words are able, but I was changed forever... and just that one glimpse of the man Im going to marry has set my heart forever to enter into this covenant, to which I am now betrothed. I dont just want a glimpse, I want to walk with him and be one with Him forever, in His holy city the new Jerusalem.

I also had a revelation that I will always be His. That was a process this spring and I cant articulate it, but I have utterly been ruined and utterly been marked. I now know deep within me, not just in my head, that I will always be His, never fall away, never be taken from Him, never go back. The same grace that purchased me, has kept and will keep me into the end. Its grace, its mercy, its His inititive to pursue me unto death, to have me even before I wanted Him. It was Him that saved me, it was Him that kept me, and all because He wants me, delights in me, and its written inside me now, and can never be taken.

I had a dream the past week where Jesus came to me and told me this again. I remember no face or form in the dream but I know His voice, from the indwelling Holy Spirit - and He said I'd always be His, my hearts been given and He'll never give it back it let it go. Its done. Im sealed.

The sr. retreat my class had from BCOM, I remember my friend Lydia giving me a word that the Lord had, "done a work in me that could never be undone." Similar to that was a a friend of mine had when praying for me - he's a blacksmith and he said he had a picture of a peice of pipe that had been through some much heat and pressure that I had been formed toward the Lord in such a fashion that i could never bend any other way, the pressure had strengthened and hardened me in heat to be utterly towards Him forever. I am finally at the place in my spirit where I KNOW this by revelation, not just in my head. Its true, I am sealed unto the day of the Lord! He keeps me until the end.

Aside from these inner wonders, life itself has been a joy and I've had a glorious time here.
I go to a tiny church inner city called the Prayer Dome - its pretty much all black, and I believe it is the place through which the Lord will fulfill His word to send revival to inner city, KC.
Every monday night I also attend ihop's inner city ministry called "Hope City" where we have a worship service with the poor and eat together. That has weekly been a highlight and Ive met so many wonderful people. Sunday afternoons I attend a tiny home-church like group from some of the key families at the PrayerDome. It's called "fellowship" and we share a meal, pray, and read in the word. Most of them are aged seasoned prophets and listening to how they hear the Lord, their dreams, and what they are learning has raised me up more in my giftings and as an intercessor.

Well this has been quite the long update so Ill peace out. thank you dear readers!

Ranting

O and this is a totally different topic than my last post (which was written this evening...)

but i would like to say that living inner city KC my eyes have been opened. racism still exists. poverty exists in America just as much as in India or Cambodia. drive down one street and for a few blocks its all ritsy white folk and their picket fences, vans and nice big garages...meander a bit and you'll arive to see colored faces in slumlike homes, broken vehicles propped up on jacks and trash littering the sidewalks. Why are we still separated? Lets not fool ourselves into thinking we've gotten over it when the civil war ended, or because Obama's in the office. Jesus alone is the answer to this hatred, division, and prejudice. For in Galatians it says that at the cross He bore every dividing wall of hostility, so reconciling us unto God, as ONE in Him. Im not talking about that spirit of the antichrist, "lets all hold hands and make peace" crap, i just deeply and terribly ache for the day when Christ will return. When He does those who bear his name, alone, will stand. and in His kingdom, we will all be one in His body.

Kimmy walks hours to the soup kitchen in sweats and keds. She hangs out with ex-cons and eats nasty food, and takes the bus. why i am so honored to live with someone as christ like as her, is beyond me, but i am truly honored. maybe someday soon she'll let me come along. (apparently im too rich looking and have no streetsences and would get eaten alive.) i geuss i would be kind of awkward hanging out with pimps but i really would try my best! i will wear sweatpants if i have to! i just want to be like Jesus. i need some serious help, Holy Spirit, help me! I want to "see" things as they are. i want to love. i need annointing i dont have. i think i need to spend some more time in prayer...

SILENCE

Silence.

A new form of fasting and contemplation I have had the priveledge of practicing of late; it has taught me a great deal. What a great gift!

My sences are awakened in long-practiced silence. Ceasing verbal chatter can guide one's inner life into agreement with Jesus, which stirs a new ability to enter back into the outer life with clarity and joy.

I feel like my sences are truly awakened while my lips are sealed. Gazing out my window at the snowflakes soundlessly alighting on the rooftop shingles, causes my soul to leap for joy! I am finally quiet enough to begin to "hear" the speech Creation pours forth. The song of nature is becoming a symphony which astounds me. I love the chatter of sparrows on the powerlines. I am comforted by the rustle of leaves in the trees. Equally as awe inspiring is nature's silence. Have you ever sat without a word in a dusty dull afternoon sunbeam?

This silence has brought great rest to my soul. I do believe I was designed to BE in inner quietness. Yet living in a world careening into a godless chaos- i scarcely know how to quiet my being before my Maker.

In evenings now I like to just sit before a lone candle, listening to the hail or rain tapping the roof, and the wind rattling the windowpanes. I fix my heart, not to waste the inner life looking at self but upon the face of Christ. I am waiting for Him to speak, asking Him to teach me to LISTEN.

Sometimes I sing a hymn or two, I've taken up the Baptist Hymnal in great delight. Truly it is a weapon of righteousness, and feels like getting back to my roots! Singing words is different than speaking words for some reason.
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If out of the heart the mouth speaks, than in silence I face my heart with the Holy Spirit.

The things that emmerge are at times frightful, but for believers there is always a place for it all to die - the cross. I am learning to quickly yield each fear, anxiety, unrest, fleshly thing or wasted wandering thought. I am dying to my complaining, dying to all foolish, silly, and godless talk. Id rather be like Samuel whom, the Lord let not one of his words fall to the ground.

I would rather speak ten words annointed in the testimony of Jesus, than fill a day with my pointless chatter. The full strength of my personality was not meant for selfish gain - to have people laugh at my jokes or admire my stories; rather my speech should only be a witness deflecting glory unto Christ.

In silence I am learning to die to my selfishness. When I cant talk to my roommate, and we are driving in the car, I must learn to listen. Its nausiating to admit but Ive discovered how focused I am on my own desire to share than genuine interest in the other's heart. Its frightful to catch one's self in conversation, busy formulating mentally the next verbal responce rather than quietly focusing on the other's words to actually listen and HEAR.

Jesus listened. He listened first to the Father. He was in constant communion with His Abba, and He only spoke what He "heard." None of His speech was unto Himself or His gain or purpose. And He genuinly listened to OTHERS. He sat with them. He gazed beyond the lattice of their words to the heart behind the conversation. He saw the very person before Him and reached out to love them and call them into truth. This was why countless chronicles of His conversations are Him shocking hearers by unveiling the secrets of their hearts, or cutting to the core issue behind their questions or statements. He knew how to listen, He looked to the heart. He also practiced silence. He was like a lamb, silent, before accusers. He did not defend Himself.

I believe silence will be a form of fasting I am called to practice regularly the rest of my life. It has countless benefits and will bear much fruit, but only if done in the power of the Holy Spirit. Silence in of itself cannot do a thing for me, just as fasting from food cant do a thing apart from the Holy Spirit -its just a means to and end, that end being the work of the Holy Spirit.

Truly Ive already "spoken" to much here. I'll close off. Blessings dear friends!

"the love of many will grow cold..."

He's coming soon.
love of many is waning cold. I see the capacity for it myself, even surrounded in a prayer community and having thrown my life away for the sake of prayer.

Just as a cup of coffee on the counter quickly cools, so our hearts grow cold unless placed before the FIRE of His Word and love, continuously.
We are stuffing ourselves - numbing - temporal distractions of life, and the pursuits of our flesh and pleasures, silencing the cry we were created with -to touch the very fires of God's heart. To hear His voice. To see Him face to face and behold His glory and beauty.

One day if this is what we will step into for eternity- worship - while also "ruling and reigning" with Him, carrying out His kingdom... why do we live now as if He doesnt exist and isnt coming? If eating, sleeping, and existing is all there is, I was made for nought... O! I am not like a stone upon the ground or like the birds of the air, I am soul and body and I was created for union with the unCreated, God.

I want my heart to be cut - clean from all that binds it, let the margins of waste and pleasures be cut off of my life. Let the flesh be crucified. I want instead to be filled to the fullness with God.

i want to be filled with the fire of His love.
He's light, He's love - He's fire. Jealous, burning, love.
Expand my heart God, and give me revelation of Your love, I want all of it.
Tear open my heart and widen my capacity to understand and truly carry revelation of the heart of God and face of Jesus.

In Christ, every command of God has become a promise, a prophecy, fulfilled through the indwelling Christ if we choose to walk Him out by faith - so yes God, I agree with the words of Your Son - I SHALL LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, SOUL, MIND, AND STRENGTH!

Night Watch

"To bed at daybreak - rise at noon,
Abiding in the secret place, by the light of the moon...."

The Secret Place...

"Are you local?" The bus driver smiled over at me, as I rubbed my gloved hands together to warm up.
"Uuuuuh, yeah, haha, I geuss I am." I grinned back.

Yes the rumors are true, I have moved to Kansas City! Although I had previously considered this among other options for the spring - I was unsure of where I would find myself after the OneThing Conference. I packed plenty of clothes and the essentials and flew to KC, planning to start off the year in a prayer community, like I did last year. The last few days of December the Lord's word was so clear to me, I would not be getting back on that plane to MI.

"Leave the work world, go full time into the prayer movement. I am calling you to myself, I want you, all for Myself. I will provide for you now, you must obey me." There were other instructions and things to come in 2010, but this is all I will share here. Within a day or two I had everything I need freely offered to me. My dear friend Kimmy (a former Bethany student as well) had a house given to her inner city, for the nitewatch. (She prays, usually all night until 6 am. She is called to the black community and her ministry is firstly as a lover of Jesus and intercessor.) She told me she asked the Holy Spirit, and I could "stay as long as I like."
















Not only that, but we have an abundance provided for us. Not just a crust of bread or tank of gas here and there- but everything, in abundance. We live simply but we lack nothing in the Lord. God challenged me this year to trust Him as provider on a new level, telling me I have no IDEA how GOOD He truly is!" I have some money in the bank but definently not savings sufficient for living apart from a job for a long period of time. But I must obey Him, and this is His will. Last night food was starting to run low in the house, but we still had plenty of the basics - pasta, rice, lentils, ect. Kimmy came home from ministry with a huge bin FULL of food some girl gave us. (We dont seek these gifts) It was full of fresh greens, fruit, whole grain breads, all kinds of goodness! God provided not just the food I needed, but the healthy kind, the kind I love! I made a list of our needs and posted in on the fridge earlier this week, entitled "Lord we ask and thank you for...." Nearly everything on that list is now in the fridge, and more. We also just had a whole box of fresh fruits sent to the house. This week I was sick and received a box of medicine, a thermomater, and tissues. There are too many tales to tell here. Mercy!


















I am being called into a consecrated season of seeking His face. Although I go to the ihop prayer room twice a week, for the Israel watches (prayer sessions) and I go to church.... I am mainly called into the secret place. I just want Jesus. I am slowly getting rooted in His Word! There are intense times ahead and He mercifully is preparing me. He gave me a very specific curriculum for my days - so Im not just trying to figure out what to do with myself with all this time - I am mainly in Revelation, John, Psalms, and new expressions of the arts bursting forth like playing the guitar and journaling with oil pastels...

The beginning of each day I like to go for a walk to get fresh air, change up the scenery, and to talk with the Lord and enjoy the outdoors. Huge ceders line my street and the snow has been sweeping up in sparkling drifts all around. God is beautiful. I am free as a bird. What a great life I lead! He's cutting the ties, to everything in this life, but Him - all I want! All i need!
















I will try to update this thing a time or two, I know I've been m.i.a. alot. A Heartfelt thank you - to all who read and pray. God Bless you!

Where am i now...?

Well, its snowing! Winter is here! And after the past few winters being international Im enjoying the holiday season in north america.

Ive been living in Canada, still working at Nadia's Fashion Shop. (Where I worked on Mackinaw Island but they move up for their christmas sale november and december in sault ste. marie, MI) I am staying with my boss's family - Ive gotten so close to dave, his wife, and daughters. We all go to their church on sundays. Ive definently been adopted as a "daughter" in their home. I am so blessed! I love my job because I enjoy working with people and I love aspects of the fashion world, it sparks my creativity and love for beauty. Its not the "main" thing I want to pursue with my time but Ive sure been blessed through this as a means of earning some money after my Nepal trip. Im convinced that we are always first called to intimacy with Jesus, and second - to love the people right in front of us. We dont need a title or "ministry" for it to be God's work. I know for these weeks I am called here, called to this family, called to love each person I encounter.

I am so looking forward to OneThing conference and catching up with my friends there! I also cant wait to be with my family for Christmas! (Thanksgiving was wonderful as I drove downstate to reconnect with all of them.) I am still presently seeking God's direction for 2010 and hearing so much, its so exciting. I cant speak of it yet but Ill ask my dear readers to continue to lift that up in prayer, thanks.

more on the Heart....

Wow. God continues to astound and suprise me.

In Num. 6 and other passages about Nazarites its clear that vows are taken for a season, or for life. I was under the impression the vows I took at OneThing last year were for life. But in the past several weeks God's released me from all the dietary restrictions I gave Him... It took me some time to process & be sure I was hearing His voice - but He told me He was after my heart - and my heart He's got - my heart He's consecrated - now that He's done it- the sacrifices, the vows, in of themselves meant nothing to the Lord other than symbols, reflections, of the inner reality God was after - a heart consecrated, wholly given. He's cut me loose to choose love now, and released me from the vows that I gave Him, diet-wise that is. Ill still continue in the SacredCharge of course, that is a lifestyle thing now - but I think part of the Nazarite stuff was a special season God had me in to prepare me for whats ahead.

He accomplished His purposes. He's been cutting my heart clean from being tied to this world and its pleasures - this world and its pull to live for the present rather than eternal things. God, keep me and give me grace to continue to run this way, and enlarge my capacity to love and know you from the heart!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Womanhood

A dear older friend of mine and I were discussing how our culture has lost what true masculinity and feminity is... we have lost it and thus largely failed to call it forth in the generation emmerging. I shared with her how the Holy Spirit affirmed and called forth who I am as a woman, and what that means.

The Holy Spirit's been shining clarity on my mind of Biblical femininity amidst our culture's confusion. He spoke it by a simple word, a word picture:

He told me I was like a delicate, beautiful, tender, fragrant rose - having all the characteristics unique to womanhood - tender beauty, nurturing and protecting life, and soft receptivity. Then He pointed out that every beautiful healthy rose is upheld by a strong stem. True femininity is trusting receptivity and nurturing, but complimented by an uprightness. To take only the soft aspects of womanhood without grit would leave me a spine of mush! Or to take it too far the other way I'd be militant. A correct picture of femininity is that rose - delicate, fragrant, tender, but upright into the sunlight, to stand against the wind. Every time I remember how my mother raised us four girls Im astounded at her ability to unselfishly care for us, alongside a terrific tenacity and cheerful objectivity.

Mom is perfect balance of beauty and quiet strength.

(*In the same way I believe true masculinity is the God given strength to lead, initiate, provide, and stand; yet all balanced by a spirit of meekness and compassion.)

O for the day - when LOVE alone would compel my heart

with no structure outside, no shoulds and no musts, but me, choosing

And yes, I choose this, it is, what I want - nothing, but wholehearted LOVE for YOU, Yeshua.

You indwell me blessed Holy Spirit, Light, Truth, bind my heart to love the Son.

Hearing His voice

When a child is small, mother and father dictate a pretty regimented life to the little one, for structure and nurturing. When the child grows up into a young adult, mother and father step away to allow the child freedom to volunatrily choose what is right. If parents continued to tell a 14 year old what time their bedtime was, and to always eat the vegtables, the child would be stunted from lack of opportunity to mature into choosing what is good inependantly. so, as the child grows the parents step back to give them opportunity to excercise choice. Ive found following God's voice has been very similar.

When I first started to hear His voice, I mean truly hear Him, more than just about major life decisions - He really spoke with me. (This was the beginning of my internship in Cambodia, 2007) We conversed all day long, and He led me by the hand through every part of my day. Had He not done this I would not have survived that internship and left the field, or had a major breakdown. (I went through an incredible amount of sickness and warfare) God walked with me like a mother leads a child learning to walk. Yet, this year His voice changed, His presence didnt leave me but when I asked for guidance, He stopped dictating things for the most part and always said "you choose." I found this much much more difficult because it meant I had to do what was right. (Yes He still helps me in situations where I dont have enough wisdom to know what to do) but for every day things we converse over, He's left me to mature in love, to stand up and choose. He wants to see if my heart says "yes" even if there isnt a rule "keeping" me in place.

Its all about the heart, our love relationship with Him - its the thing that matters the most. I want Him to have all my heart. deeply i do. He has given all of himself for me, and He deserves all of me. His kingdom is so worth it. The kingdom coming so far surpasses this present, Id be a fool to not throw away everything for it. And when I lack the strength to give my all, I ask for grace that He'd help me choose Him and love Him more. O for the day when my heart would be wholly given, consistently, and expressed in love... I dont want to quench the Spirit! I want to agree! I want my money and speech and time and affections to agree! I want to be on board with His kingdom ways and leadership so Ill understand and agree when He sets up His kingdom.

God's Upside Down Leadership Training

i have been struck the past week, in Revelation about God's means of leadership training. Ive been listening to Bickle's teaching on the Millenial Kingdom. He pointed out that it is the Tribulation that God uses as the training ground for His Bride - to be prepared to rule and reign with Him. A great reversal will take place when He comes, after Jesus goes to war against the demonic powers and rebellious kings of the earth. These evil powers are killed and imprisoned; next the saints who were formerly imprisoned, tortured and martyred are exalted to sit on those very thrones. How ironic. How like God, how "upside down" to us.

Seems like God did this alot in history... King David, prepared by singing to sheep on lonely hills, or rejected and on the run for his life from Saul with a band of rejected men. Joseph the co-ruler of Egypt was trained by betrayal, being sold as a slave, falsely accused, prison, and temptation. Jesus Himself being the King of Kings, first came as a suffering servant - and He will come again as the Lord of Lords!

So, even if I may not be in the midst of the trib. yet.... every time Im faced with suffering, humiliation, great need for God's help, testing and trials - I can rejoice - Im being trained, to be counted worthy to participate in the Lord's leadership in the next age! (If I choose to respond in humility, meekness, and real love!)

(Seems like the Beautitudes are making much more sence now huh?)

""You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
4"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
5"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
6"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
7"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
8"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
9"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
10"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
11-12"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble."

-From the Message Bible

"There is always Hope"

(This is one of my favorite peices of art, its on the dividing wall in Israel)

I am listening to Matisyahu's song "One Day" and he expresses so elaquently the cries of Israel's heart right now. He sings about "All my life Ive been waiting for, Ive been praying, for the people to say - that, we do not want to fight no more, and there will be no more war, and our children will play...oneday, oneday, oneday.." Hearing this my heart burns with the fear that Israel's deep desire for the relentless bloodshed to end would lead her to receive the antichrist in all his false promises of global peace, good will, and a utopian justice. We know as believers this peace will not last, but it will be an attractive peice of bait for the nations to turn alliagance over to the him. He will pretend to offer global tolerance, but its only a card in his hand and after its played - he will exalt himself in the temple in Jerusalem as "god" and demand that everyone worship him or die. He will actually then offer the opposite of the global peace and tolerance he promised, and will rule as the most wicked oppressor that ever walked the earth. He will slaughter Jews and believers alike, but the time will be short in God's grace. I am convinced Yeshua alone is the HOPE of Israel, and surely, He is coming soon, and He is the freedom they have been waiting for. He alone can bring true peace, on His terms. With the darkness in men's hearts I dont believe we will accomplish it without Him. When He comes and establishes His kingdom, all things will be made new, and the lion will lay down with the lamb...! O for the Day!

Living in a SlimeHole

"If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this." -CS Lewis

"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither." -CS Lewis

I desire the Lord's heart for those around me, with eternal perspective in mind. The whole thrust of our society dulls us to believe there is nothing more to this life than seeking one's own good, eating, drinking, marrying and dying. Sometimes I feel the pull of this lie, in the work world and my surroundings here - but every time I take a moment to acknowledge the presence of God with me, I am brought back to reality that there is another age coming. I do not want to be passive about the lives of the lost around me, as if they are "ok" apart from the Lord. They are not ok, they are dying and going to hell. I felt this dullness creeping up on me, but I cried out and asked the Holy Spirit to give me His heart, and He has been answering that prayer.

"The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts." -CS Lewis

Me and Grace currently live in employee housing here on the island. All I have to say is that the 4 dudes in our hall are characters, and we've put up with our fair share of shanagins from them. The hall smells like pot on a daily basis and sometimes its so bad we have to prop the kitchen door open and light candles! Amidst all their drunken messes, sleazy carrying about with bad company, and never ending noise - I want to leave! We keep our room locked and hide away in here, but that doesnt change their desperate need for Jesus. I want to love them, and I do, I have emmense affection in my heart for them. But its not enough, I need the love of God for them to teach me to pray as I ought to. They are lost and spiraling down a hopeless path apart from Jesus. Before I went to sleep and this morning I just turned on worship music and looked at His face - declaring who He is - I refuse to this situation get in the way of worship, and worship is ultimatly the most powerful intercession I can do in this place. I am glad Im out of here the end of next week, meanwhile my heart is broken for my friends in this hall even if they are rotton.(*Im rotton too. If it wasnt for the saving power of Jesus I'd perhaps be worse off then they.)

Time is Ticking

Im at a loss. My plans for next year have shifted and now I am uncertain of where the Lord is leading to me to prepare in my forerunner call. The House of Prayer I was planning on joining next year has gone through some shifts and I dont believe they have internships available presently. I am asking God if that leads me to join the community down in KC. I would like to do an internship at a House of Prayer in Jerusalem, as soon as possible, to be a watchman on the wall, declaring the word of the Lord over the land and asking Jesus to return as King - while being His hands and feet among the poor, telling them of the coming King. (http://www.jerusalempraise.com/website/)

Yet I know I need a consecrated season to be in the Word before I embark on that adventure. I would like to be in a community of likeminded believers. I want to store up His Word, like great wells, deep within me, resources I can tap into in the day of adversity. It may not feel like a day to prepare, but I do not want to find myself lacking in that day. I keep pondering Noah's faith in building the ark, surrounded by scoffers who had never seen it rain. So we also are called to prepare in a time few will recognize the signs of His coming.

This afternoon I have been laying facedown asking God for wisdom for next year. Where will I go? I am troubled because I feel so much urgency to find a community to prepare in. I have wept, telling Him that if He calls me home to just work and save for a car and serve in my church, Ill go, while reading revelation and praying also, but O how my heart longs to be in a community of prayer. Never has there been so many markable signs of the end of the age, as my generation. If we are not on the doorstep we are at least in very clear sight of His return. I almost feel like Ill die if I have to be in the secular work world another year, but Ill go if He sends me. I know I wont have much money and it doesnt matter where, I just want to get His Word in me.

I had a dream a few weeks ago I felt was about EndTimes. In the dream it was a dark and terrible night, I was with a few christian friends and we were fleeing. The "giants" where coming - some evil foe bent on destroying believers. I raced into my friends house where I was staying, knowing I was packing the last possessions I would ever carry, in my pockets. Me and my friend Christi also took orphans with us. In the dream there were three little children that looked very similar to some of the babies I cared for in Nepal. They were in her home and unless someone took them that night, they would be in the hands of the enemy. I scooped up the smallest one and said she was to be mine to care for. It was raining outside and I was really concerned how I was going to keep her warm and dry in the rain. I took my little green Bible, and then the most sobering and intense regret hit me like a wave - I thought, "They are going to take my Bible when they catch me, and I didnt even memorize like I wanted to. And how will I teach this child the Word of God?!" The dream ended with us racing out the backdoor into the woods on foot, while the giants were appearing on the horizen to search for us.

I awoke so startled that I couldnt remember where I was for several minutes. I felt such shock and regret and couldnt get my bearings. It felt as though the end of the world as I knew it. I thought I was still running for my life in the woods and rain. I knew it was a prophetic dream of times to come, and the needed preparations. I also felt God was reminding me of the commitment I made in Nepal to adopt someday, when He gives me that window. If I am to prepare my future children I DO NOT have time to waste. Also, today my friend Sara told me that prophetically a "baby" in dreams sometimes represents a new thing or ministry or door. Perhaps the Lord is telling me that unless I prepare in His Word I will not be able to carry out His mandate for works of justice, and to the poor. I am not certain what the dream meant, I have to pray more, but either way, the message was clear: PREPARE OR YOU WILL BE FOUND LACKING.

Someday soon I may be sitting in a jail cell, counting down the days since the antichrist exalted himself as god, until the day I know my Lord will surely come for me. I want to be able to strengthen myself in the Word, to recite the gospels to my brothers and sisters with me and cont. to declare His coming out loud from Revelation. I will recount His words and remember He will come! He will bring justicefor His elect who cry out day and night. Heaven will empty out behind the Son of man blazing in glory, and I will meet Him in the sky in my new body, as we march toward Jerusalem.

Sobering stuff, no...? Surely, He will come.

Mackinaw Island

This is a story, a sweet story of summer 2009...

I moved to Mackinaw Island with my little sister Grace, to share a special season, and to save some money and have a few adventures. Little did I anticipate what a grand escapade God had in mine for me on this blessed isle. Little did I know I'd learn about LOVE, and be connected into a community in a deep way, yet in such a short period of time. Little did I know what I'd learn about being salt, and light, how to serve, and how to connect with people no matter where they are coming from, for the sake of the love of Christ.

I first waitressed at a little old school diner called "Pancake House." I loved it. All the girls and I became like sisters, and every day was full of laughter and hard work, running like a crazy person as we got slammed and our sections were full of hungry island people and tourists. As my manager said, "Turn 'em and Burn 'em." In other words, get people's drinks and order, deliver the food, smile, flirt, slam the check, and get them out the door before they know what happened to them. Yes, and before you know it you've turned your section ten times in a few hours and made over a hundred in tips in one morning. Good times. I loved getting to know all my "regulars" and having the old folks know my name. My favorite is Richard, a retired schoolteacher who taught French and German. He came in every day except for sunday, and had the same thing: one egg over medium, one english muffin, coffee, and water. He said rock music was crap and loved fiction novels. He is a dear old soul, and still waves every time we see each other on the street.













Housing was an interesting and blessed aspect of life on Mackinaw. I first moved into "Corby" also called "Hor-by" by islanders. (A pretty accurate summary of this college sorority like women's housing. It was a pretty loose party every nite. A party I did my best to avoid, and managed to enjoy life and get a few hours of sleep anyway.) My room was off the living room, so it certainly was noisy. And I was the only one who cleaned out that stuffed fridge all summer, which had milk in it from June. A few hundred girls on two floor meant alot of craziness, but I fell in love with everyone there. Loving them made me open up and make friends even if our lifestyles differed. I certainly was forced out of my contemplative little bubble, and became a little social bug in short order. Between waitressing and the crazy housing I came out of my shell. Even if I got dragged kicking and screaming out of my contemplative ways, God used this time to open me up to love, love people, love serving them and being with them and forget about myself and the things I think about. Yet at the same time I learned about priorities. How to gaurd my prayertime, like my own life, because without it I have nothing. God gave me favor to connect with people and make friends in a way I never have before. I know nearly all the season workers on the island, and people greet me by name. I dont want to waste this influence. People have loved and opened up to me here, as I have served and opened up to them - they think Im a little strange for not drinking, but they know I want to be their friend. I felt like a mother to all those post highschool girls who came to work here for the summer and got wasted every night, bless their foolish little hearts, I tried to be there for them and I love them all.


After Corby and Pancake, I moved onto working at Nadia's Fashion Shop. Better hours and better housing. (mostly) Couldnt do 50+ hours a week, for the rest of the season, so I made a good switch. I moved in above Doud's market on the corner. Its old and smelly and my feet started to itch from walking around barefoot on that who-knows-what-happened-on-that-carpet, carpet. Thankfully Grace was able to move in with me here. My neighbors are the guys from the Doud's Deli, and I LOVE these four men. They like to party in Island tradition, and even if me and Grace dont, somehow we've all become friends and enjoy being neighbors. Me and Grace cook and clean and keep this place in order.

Ive spent many a hour cooking and praying for the 4 dear gentlemen I live with. I pray for their souls, that they would know God and the real meaning to life - His love. Maybe they'll get it someday after they see us folding their laundry, making potroast and scrubbing the toilet I swear they havnt cleaned since May. I realized after Nepal, I live for community. Its hard to barely know people who live on the other side of a wall. Why do people go in their rooms, watch tv, and shut the door after work? We were created to share and be friends.

O Mackinaw Island, Ive grown to love you. You unique little island you. A place where unexpected, adventure, and community, just... happened. Im sad to leave in a few weeks, so Im thankful, savoring these last moment and recounting the joys.

This is "Crossroads" the Biblestudy/prayergroup I joined this summer, and led this fall. Some of the faces from this summer have sadly come and gone, but this is the current group. They have become,....family. We have laughed, cried, and sought God together. We study Revelation, and are preparing as a community for His coming. I love watching God take my tiny efforts of preparation, all the unseen hours "eating the scroll" and He multiplies my efforts, taking them to the moon, raising up forerunners all around me, one person at a time.

Mackinaw Island BibleChurch: Ill miss you too. The little group that meets in the theater. For Pastor Ken and his wife Laurie - amazing people who have grown me. Working with Laurie at Nadia's Fashion Shop has been fun and I feel like Ive been mentored while we've enjoyed the retail business together.

Since Mackinaw Island doesnt have cars, Ill miss riding everywhere on my bike. (Affectionatly named "The BlueRocket" with Tommy's help) Ive riden it, rain, or shine, and re-found it the multiple times, after it got swiped and left somewhere on the island. (The cops found it once.) It was my fault for not locking it the first 2 months, I figured somebody needed it more than I, if they "borrowed" it... but having to re-find it was too much work, so I smartened up and bought a lock.

Ive had so much fun here. Too much fun. Ive remembered how to laugh again -on a daily basis- in a way I havnt since I was in Jr. high! Life has more halarious and awkward moments to giggle about than I realized...Its "food for the soul" as Barbie taught me. Ive laughed so hysterically I've cried, snorted, and shrieked...

Ive made best friends here, unexpectedly. People that I know, Ill stay in touch with, for life. People that Ive gotten to know quite well. hanging out often - sharing good times and deep talks. late nite walks. sprawling out on random docks. under the stars. Ill never forget it. One sweet soul, is Kathleen, who I call DLF - dear little friend. And Tommy, affectionatly named TomTom. And I would run out of space writing each story and face that has grown dear to me here...

Sometimes I think I'll go stir-crazy if I stay on this itty bitty island much longer, or cry if I leave. I cant bear to think it over yet, so Im doing my best to recount all the good, with thankfulness. Maybe Ill bike around the 8 mile radius and just sing... meanwhile, Im off the the "Beanery" coffeeshop for a "Roundtable" (discussion of planning our early birthday bash) with Kat, TomTom, and the crew.

Real Joy

"Blessed are the PURE IN HEART for they will see God..." - Matthew

Blessed means the deepest kind of joy, true happiness. The ones that are wholehearted, have joy. To see God, I imagine, is to stand face to face. I cannot face God when I keep back parts of my heart for myself, when my love is fragmented. But when I am genuine and wholhearted in my love, I can stand, face to face, looking into the fire in His eyes. And there alone, I am truly happy, there alone I find rest, there alone is the deepest thing I was created for.

Please pray as God continues to radically call me into wholheartedness, He would empower me to surrender. With my absolute failure to love Him wholly, Ive been hitting a wall over and over - finally realizing I cannot love apart from the Holy Spirit. He alone is in perfect love with the Father and Son, He alone can bind my heart to faithful, mature, whole love for God. Im really beginning to believe He wants my heart, and that He will never leave me, the Holy Spirit is wholly committed to have all of me. Also, please pray for the disciples in the youthgroup out here that we would together be wholly given, in preparation for His coming.

This weekend I am starting Bickle's "Study Guide to Revelation" Sunday nights for the youth and its also open for the whole church to attend. May the Holy Spirit be our teacher and the One to prepare our hearts for Jesus. Amen.