Let there be LIGHT!

God is so good, so kind, and so faithful.  His voice is the greatest comfort in my life - the Objective Reality that guides me in scripture and as I look up to His face to listen.

Past few weeks Ive been enjoying some sweet time with family.  Since Nepal its been wonderful to be with my beloved ones again, and travelling around to see them is quite fun.  Meanwhile God asked me to set aside this margin also for fasting, since the rest of the year will likely be full.  I said yes, and its been good.  Sometimes when I fast, right away God breaks in with extroardinary shifts - and other times there is a more subtle momentum building in the unseen, as God works His doings in my heart.  This fast was more of the latter...  

Anyway, to back up a bit, the past few years have been a journey of healing.  Last year I graduated from Bethany College of Missions, and the discipleship program there was an incredible time of pulling out the garbage in me, and then a deep infilling of His word and presence.  Most of this took place through daily soaking in the on-campus House of Prayer.  Beholding is Becoming!  Spending hours before Him, He began to expose and heal the things that were hindering me from wholeness and maturity.  Everyone, no matter how wholesome their upbringing is, has some areas in need of repentance, forgiveness, and restoration.  Im not perfect, but its wonderful to see His hands healing me and filling me with His love.

This fast has not been a time where I felt things shifting right away, but I pressed through and the other day a huge breakthrough happened.  I was just sitting there having my usual quiettime - and- suddenly light broke in.

He clarified something very big that was hindering my maturity and "listening ears" in prayer.  For a long time I really struggeled in God's presence, because I felt I couldnt trust what He would whisper to me, and I am a terrible second geusser.  I also felt terribly inferior in the presence of Light, and didnt know why.  I have wrestled with introspection, and often felt alone inwardly focused when I longed to look upward, outward, to the light.  During this fast God exposed the roots to these wrong responces...

Growing up mom and dad went through alot of negative emotional struggles like depression and anxiety.  I dont say this to dishonor them, as they were and are amazing people and excellent parents.  But there emotional brokeness affected me...  God showed me that as a child growing up in this emotional atmosphere, I wrongfully assumed blame on myself.  I had a more loving and whole childhood than alot of kids and Im thankful.  But that doesnt mean I cant acknowledge the negative parts and find healing too.  Being honest about it has helped me alot.  I realized that as a child, because I am very intuitive - I senced their emotions much of the time.  Because no one expressed to me why they struggeled, I assumed the problem was within me. I took the darkness I felt around me, upon myself, and misplaced that darkness as my problem, my blame.

Years later none of this was clear, because nobody thinks about how they process! Yet I felt a nameless, faceless darkness inside and was constantly searching to figure out what it was, where it came from, and how to get healed.  Everything in my life felt pretty normal except the nameless fear inside me.  Counseling classes at Bethany terrified me, and even prayer scared me often times - I was scared the darkness I felt was going to turn up to be something nasty God would ultimatly reject me for.  I didnt feel it was some sin, because even when my conscience was clear I felt this darkness.  I didnt feel it was something demonic, so what could possibly be the root?  I went forward for prayer at the altar at church and school countless times and nothing could settle that uneasiness I felt inside.

I also reacted any spiritual darkness with an emmense amount of unecessary fear, because it felt similar to the darkness I felt stuck in.  When I was in spiritually oppressive situations (ecs. overseas) it felt threatening to me- and I went through much needless terror and exhaustion.

Most of this lessened greatly past few years being in the Lord's presence - but it wasnt until this fast I was able to see and rightly verbalize these roots.

The day I realized all this, I wept.  I wept in the Lords presence and saw in the light - so clearly - that the nameless, faceless darkness (fear, anxiety, unsureness, fault finding) I felt inside was my unhealed responce to my parents emotional struggles.  I had to weep to fully express it, it felt so good to name it - knowing I am no longer searching in the dark trying to figure it out.  I laid it all before Jesus on the cross.  I wept and fully let myself feel the pain I felt as a child, and expressed to God that I trust Jesus took all this for me, into His own body on the cross.  I could then rightly NAME, expose, and release it.  I also called mom and dad and expressed all this to them over the phone.  I forgave them for the struggles they faced and repented for blaming myself.  I said out loud that it WASNT my fault, the blame was never on me, and I am not responcible.  I have nothing to figure out and fix.  What relief!!!

Mom and Dad were both incredibly understanding and spoke great truth about how they really saw me growing up - they never blamed me - they loved me and believed in me.  They see me not only a great kid but now as a wonderful, valued, beautiful woman deeply in love with God.I always knew their love and received it as a child, but I hadnt dealt with my misplaced self blame.

I also sat before God and heard from HIM how HE saw me as a child, and His words were very similar.  He delights in me.  He loves me.  I belong in His love, in His light, He will never reject me.  He sees and understands every movement of my innermost being.  He has washed me and I am clean and I belong in His light.  I meditated on the passages from scripture that express His KNOWING me and KEEPING me even from the womb.  

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you.." (Jer 1)

"O Lord you have searched me, and known me...Where can I go from Your Spirit?...If I say, Surely the darkness will cover me, and the light about me be night, even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day... for you formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mothers womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works!..." (Ps. 139)

"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it..." (Jn. 1) 

I realized I had mistrusted mom and dad, for never explaining their emotional pain to me.  So I mistrusted God, and Gods voice - wrongfully projecting my "mother-father" picture onto God.  God corrected my skewed view of Him when all this was healed, and I can finally feel my heart able to receive from Him without fear and second geussing.

I am not in the darkness.  The darkness I had wrongfully assumed upon myself has been named, exposed, and cast on the cross - I do not own it - it was never mine.  I am indeed, in Christ, in the glorious splendid shining light.  Clear as day, where I can breathe and BE without fear.

Although much of this is quite personal, I feel comfortable sharing my story because I think it will spur readers to come into His presence of light and also find healing.

O thank you, good and faithful God of Light, for clearly speaking to me and healing me.  You are GOOD! You are LIGHT!  I belong in Your presence of light.  Turn my face continually upward, outward, like a sunflower to the light, and fill me to overflowing with Your shining beauty!

VBS

So this week at my home church we've been having vacation Bible school! Im helping out by teaching the missions class, and my mom is working with me which is awesome. Every day we take a "voyage" to a different country, and learn about the missionaries there! I've been dressing up like each people group and its great fun. We also made our room pretty sweet with a giant "ship" made out of a refridgerator box! All aboard Mateys!
The best part was last night, midweek was the big day we shared the gospel, and a bunch of kida gave their lives to Jesus!

O Jesus, You whose eyes are like FIRE, whose face shines like the sun in full strength,

Consecrate me, sharpen the point of my life,

Restrain the confines of my life and strength into one direction,

Purify my heart and expose all compromise and darkness, bring it to the surface and cleanse me

Set my gaze on Your face, I was made to behold Your Light forever.

The Greatest Injustice Today...

The GREATEST injustice in the globe today comes down to one thing, that human beings have not worshipped Jesus in His glory. Anyone who is shocked by that statement, I would question their belief in human depravity as the root cause of all suffering& injustice, and if they realize the magnitude of the supremecy of Jesus - the One whom we were created for. He is supreme. Someday when I see Him face to face, I will understand the depths of this reality.

Consecration

In Nepal while trekking I sat by a great river. The center of it rushed like a mighty torrent of great power, flowing deep in one direction. If I stepped forth, I would be swept away in its sheer force.

I knew God was giving me an illustration of the heart - If I GO DEEP with Him, consecrating all my time, affections, money, and the strength of my life after Jesus - than I will become like this mighty river. Or I can allow the dross of this life to delude me into the shallows. Barely inches deep, lapping up on the rocks - this water was stagnant. I long for consecration. God cut me deep, remove all the dross, and focus my life soley after YOU.

My Nepal Community!

Here's some favs of the my team & our North American WMF staff. What an honor to know them!
Blair: the only southerner on the Servant Team!

Beth, our adventurous one on ST.

Me and the ST girls on public transportation...

Kara, Brooke, and Raika - three of WMF Nepal's full time staff.

Calvin, our fearless ST leader!

Andrew, WMF Nepal staff - he spent quite a bit of time with our team which was nice.

ST girls going crazy on Karaoke nite!

ST girls again!

Me and my roommate Kelsey from ST, riding on top of a bus up a mt.

Me and my other dear roomate, Kim

Nepal Summary 1

4 Months ago I left the House of Prayer in Kansas City, packed up in MI, and flew to the tiny country of Nepal in Asia. I went for an internship called "Servant Team" with an org. called WordMadeFlesh - a stint designed for exposure while serving the most vulnerable poor.

I went because about ten years ago God called me on my first journey overseas, out of 8th grade to Nepal. This was when God first revealed His love to me in a way I could call my own faith. Since then I have prayed sometimes daily or even hourly for this nation. Nepal is formerly the only Hindu nation on earth. I feel God has a deep deep love for these precious people, ecs. for the poor and forgotten there. Having just finished college at BCOM, I wanted to return and seek out if God has a long term call on my life to Nepal. Having already settled God's called me to prayer and the poor, I felt Nepal might be the perfect context for that to overflow.

WordMadeFlesh's aim is to serve the poor from a place of solidarity - entering into simplicity for the sake of love. So I joined them, and it was quite the learning experience. My team lived in the capitol - a busy city called Katmandu. We moved into two tiny rooms, and slept our days living with poor Nepali families. We ate what they eat - Dahl Baht - on nearly a daily basis. (Rice, lentils) and drank hundreds of steaming milk tea in tiny glasses. WMF is also very relationally based, so most of our time was spent seemingly "sitting around." I learned to just BE and the power of enjoying people by entering into their lives and having time to love them. I began to experience a level of "neighborhood" I never imagined, in the tiny alley we called home. Funny how much everybody there knew us and all of our comings and goings in such a short time.

We learned to live on a shoe string budget - sharing money as a community and living with alot less than we ever imagined we needed. Water and power was a major shortage in Katmandu, so we also learned to live by candlelight, bathe once in a great while, and do laundry by hand.

My community was 4 other girls who also signed up for servant team, and we met in the LA airport. Turns out by the end of the trip we had become a close community, and emmensly enjoyed the fun and learning experiences we shared.

I also had the priveledge of serving alongside and learning from the full time WMF staff. WMF has a home for girls and widows, which are both run by Nepalese. I spent time every week at the widow's home - helping out any way I could... It was alot of fun serving with them washing dishes or baking zuchini bread to have with afternoon teatime. At the girls home, it always felt like a big family - where I always felt like I could be me and was deeply loved.

We had alot of adventures together as a Servant Team. We trekked the foothills of the Himalayans, rode on top of buses, and usually had each other in stitches. We had an empire of inside jokes built by the end of 4 months!

Our team learned the language together with a amazing Nepali. Classes were mostly mixed with humor and from emmersion all of us reached a pretty sweet level of communication.

I also had the honor of joining a prayer group outside WMF. This little community was made up of people serving Jesus in Nepal. We met weekly for worship and studied the Sermon on the Mt. then the book of Revelation. God truly provided these people to be my well in desert and I grew emmensly from their company!

EndTimes is a subject God began to burn into my heart after my Cambodia internship. God used the time I lived in Cambodia to birth a deep longing in my heart for the coming kingdom of God, and the restoration Jesus will bring upon His return. Ive given my life to the study of His coming and the preparation of the church to stand triumpant through the tribulation. I believe this was a key part of why God called me back to Nepal - to witness, and to encourage the church with news of His coming, and call it forth in prayer. My favorite place to pray in Nepal was my rooftop. I caught some glorious sunrises and sunsets perched up there. I could even see the stars, undimmed by the city lights around me when I would retreat up there late nights.

My main means of serving in Nepal was at a gov. institution for abandoned children. Volunteering there was truly an amazing experience. I spent time in the room for 1-2 year olds, and each of them soon became like sons and daughters. Rocking, singing, laughing, and loving was not only my gift to Nepal - it was something God used to pour into me and fill me with JOY. God also gave me a heart to adopt in my future, which Im really excited about.

I feel like in general God put more of His heart for the poor into me. Just being with them on a daily basis was a huge part of it - hanging out with kids on the street or laughing with the old lady who sold corn on the corner... every relationship taught me that God sees and loves the poor. Really there is no separation between us, dollar signs and color of skin do not divide. We all have red blood, we all came from dust. We all long for love, and we were all designed to worship Jesus forever. They are my brothers and sisters, my own family. He emmensly blessed me with the amazing relationships I had. My nepali family has become very dear to me and there were tears at our parting. They even shared that two of them are now desiring to give their hearts to Jesus! I know this was onlythe work of God revealing Jesus to them. They will always be in my heart and prayers...

I became more convinced that ever of our Lord being the true answer to all things!! Jesus is not only the way to reconciliation with God, He is also the one who will ultimantly end poverty and injustice at His return. Volunteering to serve the poor alongside Hindus, Buddhists, and various faiths - I began to see the dramatic difference between a Christian and unbeliever's work for justice. Our service does not look the same because only believers offer Jesus to the poor. He is the only sustainable answer to their suffering. Any other answer sells the poor short of the kingdom of heaven. Simply sitting with them or giving them a meal does to not heal the heart. Jesus longs to restore their hearts as one day He will restore the earth at His return. The more I felt this, the more my heart broke for the poor.

Nepal is a pretty unstable place politically, thats nothing new. With the dramatic shifts taking place the past year, it was quite the experience being in the capitol. We usually saw protests and often walked through them. Sometimes it got so bad, traffic was blocked and nobody went anywhere. Even in the midst of radicals bombing and the persecution against Christians increasing I saw the Nepali church standing strong. I know that even though Nepal was formerly a Hindu kingdom, religious "tolerance" is not the answer Nepal needs. Religious freedom to choose yes, but all religions are not equal and Jesus is the truth. Only Jesus can cleanse the heart and liberate, only Jesus is peace because He is coming again to restore all things! I am not offended to say this because I know Him, and love Him! Meanwhile I am confident the Nepali church will stand triumphant in the face of any fire because of the Holy Spirit that indwells them.

Nepal is a land of extravagent worshippers. My prayer was that God would raise up a mighty shout from that nation, a glorious worship song! O that one day every heart would turn from the chains of Hinduism - a religion that requires - to the grace of Jesus that liberates, enables, and brings freedom! My prayer is that the Holy Spirit would breathe on every Nepali and reveal LIGHT - outpouring the overwhelming affections of God to their hearts!!! May they know that Jesus went unto death to have them as His own, and He is jealous for their hearts today!

Personally, this trip was amazing. In retrospect I think that my Cambodia internship was a fire that tested and purified me - and Nepal revealed and built on that solid foundation God put in me. I know who I am, I know who God is too. (Not completely, Im on a journey - but I can say there's a long way Ive come so far already!) It was a time I learned more and more how to REST - rest meaning total agreement with Him. When we walk outside Him, or linger in fear, doubt, and sin... it causes so much inner traffic. But true rest is agreement with Jesus. Agreement with Him, His love for me, His peace, His ways---> then to be a vessell of that love to the oppressed!

What does this trip mean for my future? Well, unexpectedly I feel that my time in Nepal is complete at least for now. I never dreamed I would say that about a land I once imaged growing old in. But this was the season God gave me to serve there - and although I still carry a heart for the nations, He's redirected me. I know God desires me to step into a consecrated season of preparation. Although college and this internship grew me, I know the next step is to get into community of prayer. God has things in mind for my future that will require iron in my soul, and a much more firm foundation of scriptures. I also deeply deeply feel a hunger for the kingdom of God - something He must work in me a thousand times over before He can do it through me. So Im joining an established House of Prayer so I will have a community to walk alongside me as I emmerse myself in the scriptures as a lifestyle next few years. Of course I will continue to serve the poor around me in this coming season, the poor are not just in Asia. I just know the main strength of my life in coming years must be given to prayer. These foundations will continue to solidify to stand in the times coming, and I am excited and confident in the grip of His emmense love for me!

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART TO EVERYONE WHO JOINED ME IN THIS TRIP BY GIVING, PRAYERS, AND WALKING WITH ME. I pray God gives it all back to you in full measure. Love you all. - H

HOME!

Yup Im back in MI as of wednesday. Blogging, newsletters, and pics posting coming soon.