Past few weeks Ive been enjoying some sweet time with family. Since Nepal its been wonderful to be with my beloved ones again, and travelling around to see them is quite fun. Meanwhile God asked me to set aside this margin also for fasting, since the rest of the year will likely be full. I said yes, and its been good. Sometimes when I fast, right away God breaks in with extroardinary shifts - and other times there is a more subtle momentum building in the unseen, as God works His doings in my heart. This fast was more of the latter...
Anyway, to back up a bit, the past few years have been a journey of healing. Last year I graduated from Bethany College of Missions, and the discipleship program there was an incredible time of pulling out the garbage in me, and then a deep infilling of His word and presence. Most of this took place through daily soaking in the on-campus House of Prayer. Beholding is Becoming! Spending hours before Him, He began to expose and heal the things that were hindering me from wholeness and maturity. Everyone, no matter how wholesome their upbringing is, has some areas in need of repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. Im not perfect, but its wonderful to see His hands healing me and filling me with His love.
This fast has not been a time where I felt things shifting right away, but I pressed through and the other day a huge breakthrough happened. I was just sitting there having my usual quiettime - and- suddenly light broke in.
He clarified something very big that was hindering my maturity and "listening ears" in prayer. For a long time I really struggeled in God's presence, because I felt I couldnt trust what He would whisper to me, and I am a terrible second geusser. I also felt terribly inferior in the presence of Light, and didnt know why. I have wrestled with introspection, and often felt alone inwardly focused when I longed to look upward, outward, to the light. During this fast God exposed the roots to these wrong responces...
Growing up mom and dad went through alot of negative emotional struggles like depression and anxiety. I dont say this to dishonor them, as they were and are amazing people and excellent parents. But there emotional brokeness affected me... God showed me that as a child growing up in this emotional atmosphere, I wrongfully assumed blame on myself. I had a more loving and whole childhood than alot of kids and Im thankful. But that doesnt mean I cant acknowledge the negative parts and find healing too. Being honest about it has helped me alot. I realized that as a child, because I am very intuitive - I senced their emotions much of the time. Because no one expressed to me why they struggeled, I assumed the problem was within me. I took the darkness I felt around me, upon myself, and misplaced that darkness as my problem, my blame.
Years later none of this was clear, because nobody thinks about how they process! Yet I felt a nameless, faceless darkness inside and was constantly searching to figure out what it was, where it came from, and how to get healed. Everything in my life felt pretty normal except the nameless fear inside me. Counseling classes at Bethany terrified me, and even prayer scared me often times - I was scared the darkness I felt was going to turn up to be something nasty God would ultimatly reject me for. I didnt feel it was some sin, because even when my conscience was clear I felt this darkness. I didnt feel it was something demonic, so what could possibly be the root? I went forward for prayer at the altar at church and school countless times and nothing could settle that uneasiness I felt inside.
I also reacted any spiritual darkness with an emmense amount of unecessary fear, because it felt similar to the darkness I felt stuck in. When I was in spiritually oppressive situations (ecs. overseas) it felt threatening to me- and I went through much needless terror and exhaustion.
Most of this lessened greatly past few years being in the Lord's presence - but it wasnt until this fast I was able to see and rightly verbalize these roots.
The day I realized all this, I wept. I wept in the Lords presence and saw in the light - so clearly - that the nameless, faceless darkness (fear, anxiety, unsureness, fault finding) I felt inside was my unhealed responce to my parents emotional struggles. I had to weep to fully express it, it felt so good to name it - knowing I am no longer searching in the dark trying to figure it out. I laid it all before Jesus on the cross. I wept and fully let myself feel the pain I felt as a child, and expressed to God that I trust Jesus took all this for me, into His own body on the cross. I could then rightly NAME, expose, and release it. I also called mom and dad and expressed all this to them over the phone. I forgave them for the struggles they faced and repented for blaming myself. I said out loud that it WASNT my fault, the blame was never on me, and I am not responcible. I have nothing to figure out and fix. What relief!!!
Mom and Dad were both incredibly understanding and spoke great truth about how they really saw me growing up - they never blamed me - they loved me and believed in me. They see me not only a great kid but now as a wonderful, valued, beautiful woman deeply in love with God.I always knew their love and received it as a child, but I hadnt dealt with my misplaced self blame.
I also sat before God and heard from HIM how HE saw me as a child, and His words were very similar. He delights in me. He loves me. I belong in His love, in His light, He will never reject me. He sees and understands every movement of my innermost being. He has washed me and I am clean and I belong in His light. I meditated on the passages from scripture that express His KNOWING me and KEEPING me even from the womb.
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you.." (Jer 1)
"O Lord you have searched me, and known me...Where can I go from Your Spirit?...If I say, Surely the darkness will cover me, and the light about me be night, even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day... for you formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works!..." (Ps. 139)
"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it..." (Jn. 1)
I realized I had mistrusted mom and dad, for never explaining their emotional pain to me. So I mistrusted God, and Gods voice - wrongfully projecting my "mother-father" picture onto God. God corrected my skewed view of Him when all this was healed, and I can finally feel my heart able to receive from Him without fear and second geussing.
I am not in the darkness. The darkness I had wrongfully assumed upon myself has been named, exposed, and cast on the cross - I do not own it - it was never mine. I am indeed, in Christ, in the glorious splendid shining light. Clear as day, where I can breathe and BE without fear.
Although much of this is quite personal, I feel comfortable sharing my story because I think it will spur readers to come into His presence of light and also find healing.
O thank you, good and faithful God of Light, for clearly speaking to me and healing me. You are GOOD! You are LIGHT! I belong in Your presence of light. Turn my face continually upward, outward, like a sunflower to the light, and fill me to overflowing with Your shining beauty!
2 comments:
It's so good to hear what's going on with you Hope. Thanks for sharing this. Your words have touched something in me.
Hope, thanks for sharing sister. What a powerful revelation! Love your heart sister!
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